And how have I been coping with the changes? I have generally been managing my bigger breakfasts and lunches, even though I feel it is a lot of food - and more nutrient dense than my usual bowls of 'rabbit food'- fruit and salad. But I won't be continuing with the 'post workout recovery drinks" for purely practical reasons. At the end of the day, I have to make sure any changes are ones that I can manage over the long term and it's quite a faff to prepare these from scratch each time, as I don't have enough fridge space to keep ready made ones. Then there's the fact that I usually exercise either just before breakfast or dinner so don't feel much like a milky drink then anyway!
A big achievement though, has been to stop calorie counting my 'after lunch treat' and base this simply on portion size, just like I used to do, rather than poring over the nutritional information on the packet with a calculator. It is so lovely to be a bit more relaxed around this 'daily indulgence' as it opens the door to spontaneity. For instance, I've been fortunate to have one or two events on this week ( see my other blog for details- http://scienceasadestiny.blogspot.co.uk) and it was so lovely to simply be able to help myself to one of the little brownies on the lunchtime buffet, without worrying that I couldn't work out exactly how many calories were within that gorgeously fudge interior. And it meant I could make a cake! I haven't baked anything for a long time and had forgotten how much I enjoy the creativity of putting different ingredients together. Not quite MasterChef standard but that's not really the point is it?!
On the other hand, so far I haven't cut down much on the cardio but I have a long overdue session booked in with M to get my focus back on swapping some of the spinning for building myself up with the weights.
I've also been trying to get a handle on my thoughts and have been going through the CBT notes from my last relapse. When I was in Church in Sunday, it suddenly struck me that this whole illness, despite being primarily manifest to outsiders as a physical disease, has all been caused by my listening to lies inside my head. And that is not so very different to those who struggle and suffer with any addiction - gambling, spending, pornography. We listen to a voice that tells us these things will make us feel valued or better or more able to cope with things - that they will ease some part of our suffering and feelings of inadequacy. But even if they do, it is only for a short while and at their heart, they are all false: promises built on lies.
It reminded me of when Jesus was tempted by Satan, the 'Father of Lies', in the desert and how he confronted his deceit by standing on the truth: It is written...It's time I started to do the same, and base my life and actions on truths that will not change rather than false promises. In that moment , I prayed for peace and suddenly felt a blissful serenity, where I was free from worry and anxiety and negative compulsions. Since then of course, the world and its worries have returned but I have felt generally more peaceful over the past few days.
So it has been a positive month so far, apart from having to make a difficult decision. But I will save that for the next post. I hope March so far has been kind to you too.
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