I have finally gone back to my PhD! Even though I'm not allowed to do lab work until the New Year, I finally have my foot back in the department. I have a desk, a space in the office and can finally call myself a student again. All the seminars, workshops, conferences and other goings-on of academic life are open to me again. And perhaps best of all, my colleagues have been very kind to me and don't seem to mind too much that I'm back again.
But it's certainly been a period of "adjustment". For the past few weeks, I have been working on my confirmation report - an obligatory duty for PhD researchers to progress from the first to second year. So its meant long days working at the computer, trying to make sense of my notes and the experiments I did...some of them nearly two years ago. I've found it hard just to work on this one thing - especially when everyone around me is able to carry on with lab work - and my mood has dropped quite low at times.
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| The Departmental Christmas tree |
It's also tired me out more than I imagined....although the real culprit is likely elsewhere. At the moment, my exercise disorder has a very strong grip on me. I rise at 6 every weekday so that I can hit the gym before work, fitting in a workout involving either a spin class or a mixture of weights and cardio. I'm simply not getting enough sleep - by the time I have come home from work, done my back exercises, cooked, eaten, tidied up, made my meals for tomorrow, worked on my writing projects, had supper - it's always later than I would hope. I have found that I need a solid eight hours sleep to not have that fuzzy "brain-dead" fog the next day. This time last year, I was having 2 complete days off a week - whatever happened to that?!!!
Aside from feeling exhausted nearly all the time, I have eroded my ability to be flexible. While everyone else is looking forward to Christmas, my mind is in a turmoil about how I can fit in my exercise. I'm ashamed to say it, but the time I will spend at my parents house will be dictated by how many days my gym is closed for. As soon as it's open, I will want to run back there - my comfort blanket, my source of addictive endorphins, my guilt release.
This is wrong. Over Advent, I have been reading the verses in James which tell us that we can be free from guilt in this life if we put our trust in Jesus and learn to live in him : "perfect love drives out fear". I know I am simply not living sustainably at the moment - so how will I cope when my realwork starts again in January? It's something I will be giving some serious thought to over Christmas.
I do feel ashamed that I make such problems for myself when others have to contend with real issues - acute illness, caring duties, money worries, etc. This guilt, this compulsion only exist in my head. If only I could master it and stop being bullied.
But I wish you a happy, peaceful and blessed time with those you love this Christmastime. And my best wishes that 2017 brings about the fulfilment of your hopes and plans.
