Can I be brave?

First of all, I have been completely overwhelmed by the response to this blog - that so many people have not only read it, but even took the effort to get in touch and offer encouragement. I am truly blessed by the beautiful people in my life!

But one thing feels desperately wrong. So many of you have called me "brave" and "courageous" for doing this - and I feel that I do not merit this at all. In fact, the best word to describe me is this:

Selfish.

Absolutely, 100%, pig-headedly SELFISH.

This isn't a new idea. Sometimes I feel I should have the word tattooed or carved onto my skin, as a badge of shame. Let me explain...

There are no good points to this illness. Staying chronically undernourished (and exhausted, and cold, and cranky and self-absorbed...) only hurts me and hurts others. My parents worry - this isn't fair on them at all, as they move into what should be the "golden years" of retirement, blessed with the pleasure of watching their children become more independent. My wider family worry. My friends- wonderful as they are - worry. I use up the time and resources of professionals and medical services. All this concern and sadness - all because of me.

And to top it all, I hate it as well. Living this ridiculous, never-satisfying half-life; not living up to the full ideals of anorexia (of wasting away to nothing and escaping the misery in my mind), not being well enough to have a full life. There is no chance of fulfilment here and I end each day with despair that I haven't done anything proactive again. I don't stay in this condition because I want to, but because I am just too scared and terrified to be any different.

So I'm not brave at all - a selfish coward is closer to the mark. The brave thing to do would be to challenge myself, put myself in the position of feeling miserable and uncomfortable and guilty by taking the plunge. No one is "rooting for the anorexia", no one is willing me to stay in this state. It is completely ungrateful of me to squander the opportunities that I have been given - to be paid to do research! to do a PhD in Sheffield! to just LIVE in a peaceful country and learn about others! - to this madness which benefits no one. I can't think too closely of the cases I know where young people have had their lives tragically cut short or diminished by illnesses or terrible accidents because this brings into focus how I have squandered all I was freely given.

But I still have the chance to prove that I can be brave. I have that chance every day.

Yet there is always the easier option, of delaying the challenge to "another day" and giving in - carrying on the same pattern to appease the guilt monster. Anything for an easy, comfortable life.

Except it's not easy or comfortable at all. Mad isn't it?

I hope I can be brave. Time will tell, but I haven't got much left...