Part of the problem is that to change would mean giving up the identity that I have lived with for several years now. I have been set a BMI target by the university and it feels horrid to think of my weight being 'dictated' by another. I cannot imagine being this other, bigger (fatter?) person that they want me to become - that I MUST become- if I want to reclaim my PhD. I don't like being who I am right now, but it is all I know and therefore feels safe, or at least more safe than the alternative - the scary unknown.
The response to this blog so far has been incredible and really humbled me, but I wonder if there is a potential danger in 'coming out' as an anorexic. Now that there is no question that I struggle with this mental illness, it feels as though it has become even more tightly cemented as my identity. Everyone now knows me as an anorexic. If I were to change and NOT be anorexic anymore, then who would I be?
I might think I can get by like this, but I have forgotten how good it can be. How I felt at my peak, when I had the energy to run competitively and run up mountains ( and food was just fuel and not a constant preoccupation and source of worry). The other evening, I came across an article on walking holidays in Grindlewald, Switzerland. I was instantly transported to one of the happiest times of my life, during a family holiday in the Swiss Alps before all of this began. I suddenly yearned to be strong enough to walk along those trails, surrounded by the majesty of the mountains, drawing in the cool, pure air, my thoughts calm but my soul singing with delight. And they are all still there, the great trails and routes and glacier walks that I once hoped to complete. For the first time in months, I felt a great urge from within ( rather than an impulse promoted by others and external circumstances ) to let go of the rigid rules and chase a new life.
Last night, I was staying with my parents and dad showed me the video he had made of his summer cycling expedition in the French Alps. He really is a marvel, using his 'holiday' to take in the famous mountain passes that feature in the Tour de France's hardest stages! Seeing him tackle the gruelling climbs and feeling his elation on arriving at each summit, it struck me how this was a REAL way to live, so far removed from the spin classes I rigidly attend in the gym each morning. ( we may cycle miles but we don't exactly get very far...) Here were mountains, real challenges to conquer and experiences to look back on with pride. Whereas in this shrunken, shrivelled state, I can't even challenge what goes on in my head and finish each day ashamed of myself.
I need to reinvent myself but what body-role model should I have? I look at some of my gym instructors with envy sometimes - they look so fantastic but not in a skinny, wilted, anaemic way. They look STRONG and CAPABLE and INDEPENDENT. A body fit for whatever purpose they might throw at it. A body that could put someone into next week if they felt threatened. And is ant to be strong too, that I can chase these dreams again. To really live and love.
Maybe I should try and reinvent myself as a cyclist? Sadly it seems that running is out of the equation for ever now after an injury I had this summer. So maybe I should try and take after my dad instead - aim to get strong enough to take a bike into the real hills?
Right now, it feels to me that trying to meet my target weight involves moving AWAY from who I truly am. The only way to challenge this, is to see that this illness has distorted me into a shadow of my true self, and that to fight my way back to health would mean becoming CLOSER to what I am really meant to be and regaining my identity. So my best line of attack is to imagine myself already at my target weight so it feels 'normal' when I get there. Every day, I should introduce myself to myself - 'Hello, I am Caroline Wood. I am xxx stone. Pleased to meet you'.
Pleased, and happy, that I can simply live.
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