I hope you have had a very peaceful and relaxing Christmas. As I mentioned in my last post, the festive season, with its onslaught of excess, always fills me with trepidation but , on balance, I seemed to cope better with things this year than I thought I would. It was wonderful to rediscover the pleasure of social eating again with my family, with food becoming a lesser issue at each mealtime, giving way to the flow of conversation and making plans for the coming days.
But there were challenges. I find it hard to stomach seeing others be so relaxed around food ( as they should perfectly well be!) from the post country walk " oh go on then let's have a mince pie" to absently digging into one of the open boxes of chocolates left scattered about. Meanwhile, separated from the gym, I devised punishing Cardio HIIT routines to perform in the sitting room with the help of an interval timer on my iPad. Dragging myself through this, when no one else in the house is the least concerned about getting enough exercise in that day, does become gruelling.
I didn't make any specific New Year resolutions: my objective is clear enough but the actions I will have to make each day to get there are likely to change throughout my recovery. But I was inspired to make a different sort of 'Christmas Tree'. No tinsel or baubles but the names of friends, family, loved ones - all the people who I know are on my side, who love me as I am ( unfathomable as that is!), who read this blog, who have sent me messages of support, who just, basically, care. You may very well be on there - I have more names to add but ran out of leaves! When the voice of anorexia is strong, making me baulk at 'putting more in' or having a day off from the gym, I will look to it as a reminder that, if I can't do it for myself, I have enough people to do it for instead!
Since coming back to Sheffield, I have started working with M, my trainer at the gym, in earnest. The first thing he wanted me to do was to add up all the calories I consumed in a typical day to get some idea of where we were starting at. It's a bit of a faff with scales and calories charts, but as a scientist I have found it fascinating and it has become addictive! It's at times like these when I am so grateful for the requirements for food manufacturers to put so much nutritional information on their packaging! But it has also been an eye opener.... My meal plan is a little topsy turvey to say the least. The cliches about the weight- loss lettuce diet are true : salad really doesn't have many calories in it! Some of my 'main meals' came to less than 300 kcal, less even than some of my 'snacks'! Whilst this will help me to identify key areas for improvement, there was an unfortunate consequence. I always used to have some dried dates with my breakfast but this exercise made me realise how LOADED they are in calories. At 350 kcal per 100g, they are on a par with chocolate! Since learning this, I cannot face eating them or even having them in the house. I find them so moorish, the thought of being able to help myself freely to them terrifies me. It's the same reason I can't buy ice cream in bulk, even though it is cheaper than individual portions: it gives the possibility that I can help myself to more than my allowed quota. I have tried swapping the dates for a trail mix, but this probably isn't making up the calorie difference...
A sad note to end on but at least I have a 'base plan' for moving forward. Thank you for reading this far ! I will be writing soon about my new exercise plan and getting to grips with weight training, another new learning curve for me!
I wish you all a healthy and happy new year
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