Can Holidays ever by Happy-Days?

Italy can be a hard place to be if you're a (recovering) anorexic. Especially if you don't eat the 3 Ps: Pizza, Pasta and Polenta...

I have just returned from nine days in Venice, alone. It is a trip I have been looking forward to since I returned from my visit last year. It's a cliché, but there really is nowhere else like it. The light on the water is simply magical and I will never tire of watching the gondolas slip quietly along the canals.

But it's impossible to only see the scenery. Everywhere you look, there are temples of worship to the Italian cuisine. Endless gelato counters, patisseries groaning with delicate treats, enough pizza to feed an army... Venice (or at least the San Marco district) must surely have one of the highest densities of cafes and trattorias in the world. I really do struggle with it - especially as I am separated from my beloved gym, so fret about not burning off the calories I consume. I hate being confronted on every corner by gorgeous-looking food, so calorific that it is 'off limits' for me. But I knew it would be like this, so I made a plan before I departed.

I know that it is not good for me to be 'on the edge' all the time, hovering over the minimum weight I need to be to be allowed back onto my PhD. What if I caught the flu or had a bad case of diarrhoea?
What I really need is a 'safety net' - a few extra pounds that can keep me over the minimum level if anything crops up. So, just for once, I was going to relax and enjoy my holiday - and not worry about doing enough exercise and even try and treat myself. Just for once, I was going to break out of my shallow life constrained by rules and restrictions and 'forbidden foods'. And if I put on any weight - good!

At first, things went well. It was hot and sunny - perfect weather for enjoying a gelato. I went in churches, museums, monasteries...and even some of the patisseries recommended by native locals. I did actually manage to treat myself and enjoyed the best tiramisu I had ever tasted. When it came to the restaurants though, most of the menus weren't an option for me- try asking for anything without spaghetti when you don't speak Italian. As one waiter put it "If you don't eat pasta or pizza ...it's difficult in Italy". Fortunately, the deli counters in the Coop supermarkets were a cut above their British counterparts - sea food salads, fish, cheese, olives, marinated vegetables...I had many happy picnics watching the sun set over the lagoon.

Beats the local Tesco!

But I couldn't stop fretting. Every time I saw an early-morning jogger, I cursed my decision to leave my running shoes behind. I couldn't stop counting the days until I could start working out again. Even though I was spending nearly all day on my feet, crossing endless streets and bridges, I felt so lazy and the guilt began to creep up. One morning, I just felt that I couldn't eat any more. Whether it was sickness from something I ate or 'Anna' getting into me, I can't tell. I didn't eat much for the next two days. By the time my appetite returned, the weather had changed - cold, grey and rainy. I never got to Nicco's after all - supposedly the best ice cream parlour in Venice. By then, I was so cold that a gelato was the last thing on my mind!

I feel so sad that I cannot even visit the place most dear to my heart without bringing all these senseless worries with me. Who, on their deathbed, wishes that they had spent more time worrying? It puts me off from going anywhere at all. Will I become a complete hermit, never venturing forth to see the world, kept a prisoner by these fears?

It rained...

But it wasn't all misery. I did catch some of the 'Italian spirit' of living life to the full - the bursting flavours of the food, their devotion to family, the monumental artworks. I hope it can inspire me to introduce more colour and light into my own life, whether it is in my paintings or in the kitchen.

The best place I ate at in Venice was Cocaeta - a tiny creperie off the main tourist drag. It really is an Aladdin's cave filled with sweet and savoury ingredients, enough to make over 100 different combinations. On my first visit, I (eventually!) chose courgette, aubergine, cream cheese and walnut cream. The first bite was sensational - rich and sensual, everything bouncing off each other. Now this was real food.

I felt a shadow watching me mournfully from a distance. Stuff you Anna I thought. You would never have let me enjoy this.

Here's hope for the future.