A life of being, not doing .... of discovering, not achieving....

I've had some very interesting responses to my last blog post which have challenged my thinking in terms of forging an identity. The recurring theme has been a caution against fixating  upon a specific ( possibly stereotyped? ) vision and measuring myself by how far I live up to that ideal and what I achieve within this role. I know, with my tendency to over-focus on achievement, that I have been guilty of this in the past. For instance, when I actually showed a bit of promise at cross country running at school, I naturally presumed that I MUST run a marathon one day, even though imagining the gruelling training this would need did not appeal in the slightest. More recently,  when I decided to take up French again, I thought I SHOULD set myself the goal of achieving a French A Level exam - even though this fills me with fear and I know I have been enjoying learning a language more without the imminent threat exams that there was a school. Whether I actually WANT to do these things never entered into the equation.

These thoughts were brought into focus last week when I travelled to St James's Palace in London to receive my Gold Duke of Edinburgh Award. I had wanted it complete the award ever since I had heard about it, and it was a wonderful experience to be invited to the state rooms at the palace and made to feel 'special'. Yet the whole event did seem to endorse the idea that we are defined by notable accomplishments that we can hold up before others. Indeed, the Olympic Silver-Medallist sprinter who gave our 'motivating speech' encouraged us by stating "This Award should only be the benchmark for your future achievements". Certainly there is a danger here, in that we can become addicted to reaching ever higher standards, feeling a compulsion to keep striving, even though this is entirely self imposed. 

An achievement, certainly, but what did I learn about my self by doing the DofE?

Instead, my friends have encouraged me to believe that I am who I am and, rather than impose a mould upon myself, I should be open to discovering what my personality, strengths and preferences are. As a Christian, I believe that my identity comes through having a saviour that was prepared to die for me, so that I can have a relationship with God. Against this, no earthly standards really matter. This is a wonderfully liberating view, in that it takes away the responsibility of forging an identity or striving to reach a standard. All I have to do is go along as best as I can and enjoy discovering who I really am.

So should we not challenge ourselves at all, if perhaps the motive is not right? I still think it IS good to push ourselves out of our comfort zone, as this is how we discover who we really are, just as gold is refined in the fire. As for the DofE, if I thought of this in terms of a 'Journey of Self-Discovery' then what did I learn about myself?

1. I can actually interact with people and enjoy it! When I started volunteering at The Sunday Centre, a refuge for homeless and vulnerable adults in Sheffield, I was too timid to approach anyone and kept my head down behind the tea bar or the washing up sink. Now, it is difficult to get me to shut up when I am there, as I have made so many friendships amongst the volunteers and the guests! It really is a highlight of my week.

2. I have the independence to travel to a remote location to stay with a group of strangers to complete daunting tasks requiring strong teamwork. Going on a National Trust Working Holiday on the Lizard Peninsular in Cornwall to help remove invasive plant species remains one of the best experiences of my life.

3. Although I doubted myself, I CAN actually go on an expedition to a remote place and be self- sufficient within a team, carrying all we needed to sleep, cook and eat for four days. I used to think these were for other people to do, but now I know that I can always enter this world of exploration.

The postcard mum bought me in London!

One of my 'goals' in my recovery is to walk the Pennine Way. But this sounds dangerously close to being another 'achievement for the sake of achievement', thinking in terms of finding myself, why do I want to do it? 

1: To experience a simpler way of life, where the day is dictated by the rhythm of my feet, the passing of the clouds on the hills, the gentle speed with which I pass the  undulating countryside. To remember a life that is not complicated by unnecessary and constant anxieties.

2: To be able to dedicate a good amount of time to doing ONE thing. I can find it hard to focus at times and my life seems in bits and pieces which I struggle to keep together as a whole. It would be liberation to concentrate on a single aim for more than a few hours!

3. To see if I can do it. If I can, this could open up a new world of belief in myself...perhaps I can get back to the Alps again?

I hope you will support my goal, even though it must seem laughable right now. Still, the hills are waiting, calling for me and now it's time to get my body in a state to meet them.