Possibly, you think I am totally deluded and that someone who needs to put on a stone in weight to get back on their course shouldn't be going anywhere NEAR a gym ( slightly difficult if you live practically next door!) But to me, this is a daunting proposition that feels hard to stomach just writing the words, saying it out loud....let alone to handle the days when they actually come round.
For better or worse, I simply NEED to have some level of activity in my life. Unfortunately, I have got myself in a stranglehold where I have to 'earn' the food I eat by working out. If I don't, I become so worried and anxious and feel so lazy and fat, that this breaks out in physical symptoms - my stomach churns and I can't bear the thought of eating. If I'm not doing so much exercise , surely it will all turn into fat?! ( although I do eat less on days I don't work out to try and offset the difference...).
Besides this, I feel so chronically tired all the time, that working out is often the only way to make myself feel vaguely normal in the mornings. And I know I will feel 'better', or at least avoid the guilt rush, by putting myself through it. It's this which makes it easier to drag myself to the gym every day than abstain, even when I am so tired that I feel nauseous.
This has made things very difficult in the past of course, and I won't go into the measures I have taken during trips away to get my exercise in...perhaps I will save that for another post.
But two things have happened which have given me the strength of mind to make this change:
1. I have got a new job (!) Three days a week, working as a science technician in a local college. Three long, working days involving a 45 minute commute each way and a six 'o clock start. Three potentially exhausting days when it would be the perfect opportunity to just come home, eat, rest and GO TO BED!
Unfortunately, I failed miserably on my first day, running to the gym for an hours spin class when I got back but I have to be strict with myself now. I will never get back to my PhD if I continue to run myself ragged. And taking this job is bittersweet - whilst it is great to have something to go out to during the week, to keep busy and even earn some proper money to pay the bills, it has been a forceful reminder that I am NOT WHERE I SHOULD BE. I have been reduced from being in charge of my own research project to washing out the glassware from practicals for A Level classes....in these moments when I have a sense of how much I have lost, the inevitable tears start up again...
2. I have a new personal trainer (!) I realised that left to myself I would do nothing and that I needed help to conquer my exercise addiction. The wonderful manager of the Goodwin Sports Centre has arranged for me to work with one of the instructors on a one to one basis. After explaining my situation, my new trainer was confident that he could work out an exercise and diet programme that would increase my lean muscle mass to reach my weight target, whilst at the same time giving me more energy and strength. Hearing him explain the science behind what we would be doing gave me incredible confidence. One of the reasons I find it hard to do anything myself is that I always feel out of my depth and that I can only guess how many extra calories I need for what I do. Coming from a true professional though, I feel I would be a fool not to do what he says. Crucially, I feel I can trust him and that my weight won't ever go spiralling out of control.
Perhaps it is only a small step, but every journey has to start somewhere....
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