Many people warn me that my "recovery strategy" is focused too much on covering up the symptoms of anorexia, rather than addressing the root cause. For myself, I feel that I have so little time to achieve the target to stop me losing my PhD, that weight gain HAS to be the prime focus. However, I do accept that this leaves me at the risk of my insecurities latching on to different obsessive behaviour to become the 'latest' coping mechanism.
It's easy to feel that your recovery is uniquely personal, and that your mind is a whirling tempest of emotions that others cannot possibly imagine. One of the sobering things about the internet is that it forces you to realise that there is a whole community of people out there who have experienced exactly the same feelings as you are and have trod exactly the same path. I thought I could beat anorexia by channeling my restrictive willpower into a quest for physical prowess - I will respect my body from now on! Through hard workouts and conscious nutrition, I will turn it into a machine that can do anything! I now realise that this is a classic case of anorexia turned into orthorexia- an obsession with exercise and healthy eating. In fact, there is a very good account of the stereotypical 'phases of recovery' described here: http://letsrecover.tumblr.com/post/80466146533/recovery-levels
At the moment, I would put myself at level 5 or 6 . What's truly scary to me is that, as the author says of many levels "you can move up from here, or move down or stay here until you die". That is the choice I am facing - I know if I do not act, I can become locked into this new restrictive life with its own fears for ever.
Besides orthorexia, many recovering anorexics fall into the other extreme trap of binge- purging (bulimia). It is the fear of this happening to me which is the main reason why i cannot relax around high calorie foods: although I do allow myself my scheduled treats of chocolate and cake, I rigorously keep these within controlled calorie limits. It's also why I cannot bulk- buy such 'scary' foods, for example, a whole tub of ice cream. Who knows - I might lose control and turn into an ugly pig, stuffing myself until I was sick...
Even apparently good intentions and behaviours can become dangerous obsessions. I'd like to think I have a green conscience, and recently started reading 'The Ethical Food Bible'. This has forced me to confront a lot of issues which I do believe we should be more aware of - food miles, carbon footprints of different foods, animal welfare, fair trade... But I have noticed that it has triggered feelings which could easily spark a new obsession. I should be vegetarian - the carbon footprint of meat is unjustifiable! I must not eat foods containing Palm Oil - it's destroying the rainforest! Shame on me for not buying FairTrade bananas! And yet there are so many dilemmas - is it better to be a carnivore but eat British-only meat, rather than a vegetarian that dines on vegetables flow in from halfway across the world? Does it matter if something is not FairTrade if I buy it from a small independent rather than a supermarket? In the end, I had to conclude that the only truly 'ethical diet' would be to live on what I could grow in my back garden!
When I described these feelings to a good friend in a similar position in their recovery, she wisely advised me that I must pick my own battles. Recovery, after all should be about learning how to embrace previously restricted foods again. When I am fully better, then I can make more refinements, based on my ethics and values.
So for now, I will concentrate on the issues that I feel most strongly about:
- I don't eat cows and rarely eat pigs.
- I try to buy my fruit and vegetables from Sheffield Indoor Market, rather than supermarkets, to support independent ( and extremely hard working!) traders
- I try to buy 'sustainable fish' ( with the MSC label if possible ) and avoid anything caught in a net - I can't bear the thought that my dinner was caught in a device which snares so much bycatch which is then discarded. Unfortunately, this means giving up mackerel ( seems you have to live on the coast to find anything line-caught) so I have stated to have pole and line caught tuna instead.
- I will try and buy more FairTrade products, including bananas, and avoid products with Palm Oil where this is not too impossible.
I hope my greener friends will not think these attempts too pitiful but for now, food is too much enough of an issue as it is!
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