Is there any hope?

"Now don't be surprised when you see that you've put on weight - remember that's OK, it's part of the plan, and we have been eating TO put on weight, all those extra calories per day - you've been eating like a pig, so brace yourself, don't get upset when you see it's gone up...remember, it's for your PhD..."

This was the conversation I had with myself when I stepped on the scales this morning. It's been over two weeks since I last checked my weight and since then I have carried on eating an extra 300 calories a day on top of my normal diet. Unfortunately, I haven't been so good at managing the 'two complete rest days each week from the gym', often popping over to 'do a few weights' or a bit of cardio. It doesn't help that I live so close - I can see it from my window, after all! But I honestly had no idea what was going on with my weight in the meantime. I had quite a few episodes of stomach bloating - which made me feel enormous and convinced me that I have gained a tonne of weight. The worst day was sparked off by a packet of spicy fermented mushrooms, which I used to love to stir into spinach with a bit of ricotta cheese. Sadly, it looks as though my stomach just simply cannot handle any level of spice these days, so this meal ( along with most curries ) is off the cards now. And then on several days I was paranoid that my legs were grossly swollen - elephantine even -compared with the svelte figures around me in the gym. Possibly this was caused by a touch of oedema ( water retention ) as this has been quite a problem in the past. So, there was a strong case in my mind that I had gained a little at least.

And yet there were also subtle signs that my weight might have dropped. My skin has taken a turn for the worse - my hands are permanently cracked and bleeding, despite me carrying moisturiser everywhere. Sitting on hard surfaces has become noticeably more painful ...and I woke this morning with my hips aching just from lying in bed. I haven't experienced that since my very 'dark days' and it was a worrying sign. But nothing could have prepared me for the result.

I have lost even more weight.

And the worst part......

......a secret, shameful, hateful part of me was pleased.

So, I am now even further away from getting back to my PhD.

And what did I do today?

I went to town to do my weekly big shop, staggering back with bags of fruit, vegetables, fish - in short, very healthy but very low calorie foods for the week ahead. And later...well I had booked a place on the evening spin cycle class so I had to go didn't I? Had to go and slog it out for over an hour on the bike doing hills, sprints, power surges....

I feel trapped. If I go under six stone, I know part of me will give up. It will just seem an impossible task in too short a time. I have got nothing to lose now and EVERYTHING to fight for but I still can't seem to break the cycle! Whywywhywhy???!!!

In Touching the Void, mountaineer Joe Simpson recounts how, after breaking his leg then falling into a crevasse, he crawled down the mountainside of Siula Grande in agony over several days to return to camp. He describes how, even in the midst of unimaginable pain, an inner voice compelled him, forbidding him to rest and driving him on. I can relate to that exactly - only my voice is turned against my happiness, even my own survival. Each day it compels me to exercise, to not eat more than my allotted portion, to distract myself from the fact that things have to change.  It can't see past the short term of each day, convincing me that it is better to obey the voice and to avoid the guilt that would otherwise ensue. It deceives me in thinking that getting through this day is the only thing that matters, hiding over the fact that there is a longer term plan which I need to keep.

And I know that the short-term guilt of missing the gym one day would not AT ALL COMPARE with how I would hate myself when I am thrown out of the University for good.

I had better get to bed. It's cardio tomorrow morning....and maybe a few weights at the end of the session.

Help.