Meltdown

It's been a trying week where I have felt blessed at times, but at others in the utter pits of despair.

I was fortunate to see several good friends this week (some completely unexpectedly!) and received great encouragement . Although they (and probably you too) must be frustrated at how helpless I am, I believe that their words of sense and reason are finally beginning to sink in on some level. It's as though every word of support that has been given to me is beginning to mass together, like an army mustering its forces. I have had moments of such clarity where I see the futility of my life- how sick and shallow it has become- and I feel deep shame at myself. At those times, I feel that I could be so close to being able to use that disgust and willpower to finally break free.

It happened on Wednesday, coming back from work on the tram. Cold, tired and fed up after a lonely day mostly by myself (it's half term so its quiet at the college), I suddenly felt so resentful of having to go to the gym that evening. And then it came out of the blue- why bother? Most people go home in the evening to unwind and that is perfectly acceptable. And I have to gain weight after all - with no time to lose! I am perfectly within my rights to "have a night off".

The "voice" was taken aback at this, but quickly recovered. Ah...yes, ok...it said. So you won't go to the gym tonight....then how are you going to feel when you come to eat your meal? How will I make you feel? Guilty, lazy, gross, disgusting FAT FAT FAT..."

Forty-five minutes later, I was plugging away at the Sci-fit machine before moving on to the rowing machine. But then - disaster! I strained something in my calf. It was time to move on to my treadmill hill intervals, but my calf was screaming in agony. I physically couldn't move any more. I stopped the treadmill, unable to continue and the screen swam as my eyes filled with tears.

Nonono this can't be happening, this CAN'T ...I've still got another twenty minutes to do, I can't stop, I can't go home until I've done this, I can't, can't, can't...

I started the conveyor again, but had to pull up after less than a minute. What have I done? What if I've really blown it and can't exercise tomorrow? Or for the rest of this week?!!!

I couldn't possibly continue. The best thing to do would be to stop and hope I recovered by tomorrow. But I just...couldn't...move. The voice was holding me there, urging me that I had to continue, that to stop off now would be surrender. And then I just broke down completely, falling onto the console, sobbing uncontrollably. Oh what have I become, that my life is reduced to the gym, eating and being constantly exhausted through never having enough sleep?! There are people right now fleeing persecution and wars, and THIS is what I am concerned about?!

I stood there sobbing for about ten minutes until a concerned onlooker went to get help. Not wanting to cause a fuss, I finally slipped off, did a few arm weights to "console myself" and shamefacedly crept home.

Fortunately the leg healed. I decided not to do my planned routine on the treadmill on Friday and to instead use one of the spin bikes. I had checked the timetable - there wasn't a class on so the bikes should be free. I was just finishing my weights when a group of chatting students marched up the stairs and headed for the bikes.

Oh. No.

I rushed over to the bikes but could hardly get my words out.

"What's going on - I thought there wasn't a class...?"

"It's a private session - they've been booked for a training squad. "

My chest started to close in and I began to hyperventilate. I broke down and wept, pleading with them - surely, surely, there must just be one bike free, please one little bike that's all I ask, then I can do my wretched workout and finally go home, oh please I'm so tired, I just want to go home, to sleep, please..."

No chance - they were fully booked. I was getting more and more desperate, working myself up into a panic. But I was saved - one of the girls couldn't make it. So whilst the chatting group had their class, I crouched in the midst of them, hunched over my bike, going through the routine I have drawn up for myself.

Two utter lows. Two occasions I am very ashamed of. If only I had the courage to say "You know what? My leg hurts, why not give it a rest tonight?" Or even to not go to the gym in the first place after a miserable day at work...

Things need to change. I am going home this coming week for a few days to see my parents. I want to set myself the challenge of not "working out" during that time. It would be a gift to my parents, to show them that I am truly committed to regaining my PhD, as I know my latest posts would suggest otherwise. Maybe I might try a little run or cycle to "clear my head" but no gym, no cardio, no torture machines. Just rest, and quality time together.

I've written it now so the challenge is on!

I will let you know how I get on. Wish me luck...