A deciding week....and a small measure of victory

After exerting myself so much during my trip to the Lakes two weeks ago, I was positive that I would have gained something during this past (rather less active) week. But when I checked today there was no change. I still have a fair few pounds to gain within two weeks.

Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised: now the adrenaline has worn off, my appetite has diminished with it. But now it really IS crunch time. If I haven't made any measurable progress by this time next week, my PhD could really be in doubt. So it's back to the drawing board, pushing more calories into my meals and trying to cut back on the gym. It doesn't help that I experience such bitter conflicts in my mind. I feel tremendous guilt at times for eating processed/'junk' foods, even though I limit these to treats. Most of my meals are quite plain, with no sauces, dressings or condiments - and based on stereotypical 'diet food'. The other day I managed to have three different kinds of cabbage with my dinner without planning to - Chinese cabbage, red cabbage and sauerkraut (white cabbage). Not exactly the fast-train to weight-gain...

I really want to end my job at the college soon as it makes me very depressed, especially as it is nearly the end of term and there are so few lessons on. I had wanted to hand in my notice next week but I will only be able to do this if I make demonstrable progress during this week.

I have also been feeling very down about my body shape, especially my stomach which I see as hideously distended and bloated. Going to the gym is becoming ever more painful: I can't help but compare myself to the instructors with their toned and sculpted tummies. But I have had a minor victory in my exercise regime. I knew I was becoming too obsessed with the calorie counter on the spin bikes, so much so that I would stay behind after the lesson, pedalling away until the counter passed the value from last time. These 'add-ons' were becoming longer and longer, meaning I usually didn't cool down afterwards and got very upset if I wasn't "trying hard enough".

Bane of my life - how to ignore those calories?

But then the bike that I always, always used broke and I was forced to change. And of course - ALL THE BIKES ARE DIFFERENT! The resistance varies between each one so the calorie counters all give different values for the same amount of work. I was getting very distressed about this, trying out all the different bikes, trying to find "the one" when something just snapped. I'm fed up with this - I'm just not going to count any more! After all, the former bikes didn't even HAVE a calorie counter- I just went by feel and the amount I sweated out! But how to ignore it when it was there, glaring at me?

Solution - it just happens that the elastic strap on the locker keys fits snugly round the spin bike dashboard, meaning I can conceal the calorie number whilst still keeping an eye on my revs and the clock. This might seem like an entry for the Journal of Incredibly Insignificant Doings but it is a real achievement for me to "let go" of this compulsion and I already feel a lot happier when I go to the classes.

Solution: Cover it with the locker key strap!

Of course, I am still dodging the real issue here, which is my unhealthy obsession with exercise itself. But I feel that is only a demon I will be able to face once I get to my target. Emotionally, I only have so much strength so I have to focus on one goal at a time.

Thanks for reading, I hope you have a good week!

PS. I have started to write up the "Backstory" to how I got here, with all my baggage of negative behaviours and habits. You can find it on the pages listed to the right of you are interested.