Body Crisis...

I've left it a while since my last post because I have been struggling recently with my body-image. I cannot help but compare myself to others everywhere I go (but especially the gym) and I am often tormented with thought of "if only" and "why can't I be like that?"

The big issue is my stomach - especially last week when I had terrible bloating. This is a recurring problem that plagues me on and off, but it hadn't been this bad for a while. I don't mean "a little trapped wind" - it feels as though a balloon has been inflated inside me and my stomach becomes hideously swollen - just like this example.  It would be upsetting and uncomfortable for anyone but with my deep-rooted insecurities, it is especially distressing. I try to tell myself that it is just gas and not fat, that it doesn't mean that I am greedy...but it is hard. I can't even bear to look at myself and eating is the last thing I feel like doing.  I dream of being like those other girls in the gym, with taut abs and rippling six packs.

At it's worst it makes me despise my body and want to tear out my stomach with a knife. Or to die and finally be free of this revulsive prison.

But I have been fortunate enough to receive good advice from friends, the internet and even an "anti-bloat" special article in The Metro(!). I wish there was a simple quick fix, but it seems that a holistic approach that incorporates my whole diet and habits is the only way. Things have been a lot better so far this week but this could be due to any or all of the following: avoiding gum, not eating cabbage, doing special "tummy exercises", no fizzy water, trying to increase my fibre intake, more sleep...etc.!

Body Crisis...will I never be free of these tormenting thoughts?

 As for my legs...they still look much bigger than those of most ladies in the gym. But when Anna starts to whisper Big fat legs...Big FAT LEGS.... I remember my time in the Lake District, of climbing up those summits. They might be fat but they are mountain climbers! I whip back at her. So far, she hasn't come up with anything against that.

Meanwhile, there is a noticeable change in my arms - instead of looking concave and "pinched in", they are starting to show some flesh and round out a little. Surprisingly, this doesn't upset me as it might have done - simply because I can equate the change in appearance to having more power! The resistance training is paying off: as an example, I started with only 5kg on the chest press but now I am up to 17.5 kg. And I have found that I like the feeling of being able to manage things more easily, whether it is carrying my shopping, bell ringing, opening the heavy doors at college or doing press ups.

Perhaps the first stage isn't to fix my body, but to fix my mind and just find peace with who God made me to be.

But as for my mind...I hate the way food still dominates my thoughts so much. If I were an alcoholic, I could swear to stay away from the stuff, hide it under lock and key and never think of it again. But the need for food is constant and comes round every day; it rears its head in every social occasion. I feel guilty for thinking about it, feel guilty for enjoying it...even though it is a reward earned through hard exercise.

What should a person wish for above all for themselves? Money? Fame? Prosperity? Health?
What about that most blessed and elusive thing ...inner peace. I have a long way to go.

A final point - I have been writing up some of my back story and you can find it on the menu to the right of this page. This isn't a narcissist gesture - I certainly don't think my "life story" is worthy of anyone's time to read, and there are much worse histories of anorexia available online. Rather, I needed to straighten things out in my own mind as I realised that I have blanked out the more painful episodes so forcefully that the order of events keeps getting muddled in my mind. So I had to hash it all out for myself. But if you are curious to read it for yourself, you are very welcome to!

Have a good week - whatever our changeable weather throws at us!