Feeling the Fear...

I don't like this....I feel so uncomfortable! So huge. That there is so much more of me, it must be spilling out of my frame. Whenever people talk to me, I can't help mentally comparing my shape to theirs and always conclude that I'm so much fatter. I can't bear to look at my legs - gross and elephantine compared to the gazelles in the gym.

This is the part of "recovery" I was dreading - feeling so hideous and miserably bloated that I just want it to end. Only the fact I have to go through this to get back to my PhD is keeping my resolve from crumbling. There is still a strong part of me that just wants to shrink in on myself, until I am just bone on bone, as small and inoffensive as possible. As though, by curling up into as small a ball as possible, I can make all my fears go away.

But I know now that the only way to overcome fear is to face it. I have just started reading Sussan Jeffers' book Feel the Fear and do it anyway, lent to me by a friend. Only two chapters in, I have felt my thinking become clearer. Rather than equipping me with 'secret knowledge' or confidence tricks however, her words have bought to light the truths I always knew deep down, but was too hesitant to acknowledge. Using the book's guidance, I have worked out my three 'Levels of Fear':

Level 1: The surface fears
For me, this is primarily the fear of gaining weight uncontrollably (unless I restrict and exercise obsessively) until I am so overweight that others look down on me and that I feel constantly disgusted with myself. Alongside this, I also have a constant fear of not achievening enough - so that I always feel regret at not having 'done enough' or that I will never 'leave a legacy' when I die. This expresses itself as a fear of not getting a stellar PhD thesis, not getting that dream job....and of course it made me put so much pressure on myself to get into the "right" university.

Level 2: The underlying fear
The all-encompassing fear behind my surface fears is that of failure and rejection. I have always had very black-and-white thinking, so I either totally FAIL at something or somehow (by lucky chance/a fluke) succeed. Hence I FAILED my GCSEs because I only got an A for Music. It is this fear that I will hate myself for not being good enough that feeds all my surface fears and behaviours.

Level 3:
The fear that everyone has deep down and that drives all others - the fear that "I CAN'T HANDLE IT!!" If I gained weight, I wouldn't be able to handle it, If I don't get that dream job, how will I live with myself? If I end up on my death bed regretting all the things I never achieved, how will I cope? It is this simple mantra that holds us back from everything we truly dream of. And yet, looking at the things that I have come through in the past, I know that I CAN handle more than I think I can when I have to. The same is true for all of us - yet we only usually find out when pushed into the unknown by illness, injury, bereavement, unemployment, etc. As a Christian, I believe that God is always with me, that he has promised "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5) and that "When you walk through the fire, I will be with you" (Isiah 43:2). If I can't handle something  on my own, he will give me the strength!

One of the key truths expressed in the book is that our fears of facing change are nothing compared with the fear that comes from doing nothing and feeling so helpless for ever. I understand this so acutely; for instance I live in dread that I will break my leg one day - how then can I keep up the exercise regime I need to do in order to feel safe?

I hope I can push through this barrier and reach that blessed reward of having more freedom with my life. Already I have felt some benefits. I feel STRONGER. And so much FITTER. As though I am held together with real muscle, rather than string that is fraying at the edges. I even almost enjoyed the most intense spin class I do each week and walked away feeling like I had worked hard and well, rather than feeling humiliated and drained.

Yesterday, on my rare "day off" from the gym, I took a trip to the Odeon to see "Eddie the Eagle". Apart from thoroughly enjoying the story, it got me yearning for snowy mountains and wondering if I could ever actually enjoy skiing again rather than it being a battle of endurance against feeling perishingly cold all the time... It would be wonderful to actually DO something with my body rather than cycle for miles and miles within the same square metre of space....

One day....?

I'm not saying I'm about to take up ski jumping, but the world looks more open to possibilities right now!!!!

Thanks for reading - I'll be updating on my physical progress next week