I want my life to be about more than this!!!

I wasn't dreaming last week - my weight has definitely gone up and I had improved even further today. Even my therapist had to admit it. But then she did point out...

"If you're going to get to your target on time then you are still WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY off the pace you need to be gaining weight at..."

And so we launched into a convoluted discussion about calorie counts, timeframes and the exercise/no exercise question. I have to admit that, since embarking on this latest plan two weeks ago, I have never quite managed to make the total calorie intake agreed for heavy-exercise days. After all....3500 calories (gulp!!!!) is a LOT to squash in. And when I say "quite", I suppose the shortfall has been more like 300-500 calories...   Not good!

The agreed plan:
No exercise: 3000 kcal a day
Light cardio / weights session: 3250 kcal a day
Heavy cardio: 3500 kcal a day

I still wrestle with the exercise conundrum....can I/ should I do less? Do none whatsoever? Part of me is crying out for rest...and yet I do want to build an active body. I have been feeling better about exercise this week; fitter, stronger and more capable. But I have made a pact : I can ONLY carry on exercising if I make up the calorie amounts I need to gain weight. If I can't eat enough, then I will have to have more rest days.

Meanwhile, despite things improving physically, all is still far from plain sailing in my mind. Anna hates the fact that I have made progress and keeps waving her "Fat", "Greedy" and "Guilty" flags. The worst times are when people hear about my weight gain and say "Oh! I thought you looked..." !! I'm also still plagued by intrusive, obsessive thoughts about food. I hate the fact that I get so much pleasure from flicking through cookery books and food magazines (and playing "Guess which dish has the most calories?"). I hate the fact that I can spend AGES just browsing supermarket shelves before leaving with my usual lettuce and 10 kcal jelly. I HATE the fact that my life just revolves around food, eating, weighing, etc. The Bible says "Be clear-minded so you can pray". I would love to have such focus for my work and for life: to be able to engross myself so fully in something that I forget time passing, forget even to eat! (but then make up for it later!).

I want to have a real, deep think about what my strategy for the long-term is going to be. If I want to live a fulfilling, rewarding LIFE where I can serve others, then food has to have a lesser focus than it does now. The first step will be to not weigh out the dried fruit/nuts I have for breakfast! I have also decided to make a vow that every month I will have a mini-holiday : THREE consecutive days off without exercise. I used to be able to do this all the time -  go away on vacation and not worry about putting on weight; just listen to my hunger cues and trust that my body will ride out the variation in routine. The next time I go away, I don't want to be fretting about not burning enough calories, so I need to practice "trusting" my body before the time comes. You know you've really flipped when you have to "practice" resting!

So with battle lines drawn, let's hope for more progress again next week. Thanks for reading!

I will be posting my "manifesto" for living soon - stay tuned!