It has now been one week since I started the 'new' diet. A diet where I have eaten more than I ever imagined I could ( or would need to), seemingly gargantuan quantities. So much so that it makes me quite depressed at times, seeing how my life has come to revolve around food - weighing it, eating it, checking it, preparing it and planning how to fit it all in.
But has it made a difference?
YES! This morning there was definitely a move in the positive direction on the scales. Not just a slight wobble on the dial, a 'maybe, maybe not' but a definite little shift. There is still a long way to go - I can't afford to out my foot on the brake just yet - but at least I am finally moving onwards and upwards!
It has come at a price however: I seem to constantly oscillate between two very different but both unpleasant states. At times my body has really struggled with the volume of food it has to process, leaving me feeling sick and hardly able to look at food, making it difficult when it is time to eat yet again. And yet my metabolism has also kicked into gear, meaning that I suddenly go from feeling bloated and blattered to being ravenously hungry. It is as though a fire has erupted and even if I feed it with more kindling by eating something), the flames only leap up higher and burn more fiercely, leaving me hungrier still. Very annoying!
It is a pain, but I have to remind myself that however bad I feel now, it doesn't compare to how I would feel if I lose my PhD for good.
Unfortunately, I haven't progressed at all on the exercise front, still only managing one complete day off a week. Even when I fell down the stairs leading up to my flat and bruised my left elbow quite badly, I still went along to circuits that day. Monday evening was another tearful showdown in the changing rooms as my exhausted body fought with the anorexic compulsions ( and lost).
However, I have felt stronger in my mind and have experienced longer periods of clarity, when I am not disturbed by obtrusive thoughts of food and exercise. I have started to think deeply about who I want to be for the long term, not just during this 'fix it' stage to get back onto my course. At Church this week, the reading was from the book of James, on a verse saying that "he who prays should pray in faith or else he won't receive". The minister explained that this does not mean that anyone who has ever had doubts will not have their prayers answered - because even the best people experience doubts. Rather it is a warning not to be 'double minded' : to say that we trust God and turn to him for help, but then still try to fix it ourselves as well, 'hedging our bets' so to speak. I realised that this is exactly what I do ; as a Christian, I profess that Jesus is the centre of my life and the source of my purpose and joy. However, I still turn to stupid rules about food and exercise like a comfort blanket to make me feel safe and in control. This has. To stop!
More philiosphophical ramblings next time...and hopefully more progress to! Thanks for reading !
No comments:
Post a Comment