Going right to the wire...?

My emotions seem to have been as mixed as the weather this week. At times, I have felt stuffed, sick and bloated, despising myself and wishing I never had to eat again. These are the days when my stomach struggles to cope and balloons up uncomfortably with excess gas. But when this has finally calmed down, I have sometimes felt so different: stronger, more alive even slightly well. Chronic tiredness remains a problem (still working on getting to bed earlier) but the other day I simply powered up the hill to my home in record time. In these moments, I feel as though I stand upon the earth, rather than simply slump upon its surface.

Yet I am still dragging myself to the gym, with all the air of the condemned man walking to the gallows. Once there, I can't help comparing my shape to other people and looking at my "big fat legs" in distaste. On a more positive note, I am having fewer tearful breakdowns. The staff at the gym have been wonderful in supporting me - usually, just having someone to talk to while I do my weights is enough to take my mind off my inner turmoil and get through the session. I'm still waiting to see that massive improvement in strength in my puny arms but certain movements - press ups, planks - seem to be coming more easily!

Finally back on Kinder Scout

Last weekend, I even got out to the Peak District with my dad for a walk up Kinder Scout. I was pleased with how I managed the ascent but unfortunately I had forgotten just how windy it gets up there - there is a reason, after all, that there are so many weird rock formations up there! One of the hallmarks of anorexia is that sufferers struggle to keep warm and my hands are especially sensitive to this. Once I can't feel my fingers, I get very miserable and it takes me an age to thaw out. I need to have a serious think about how I can manage this when I attempt my walk in August...

The next time I check my weight will be a crucial point: I will only have one month left to reach my target. If I have not reached the half-way point by then, the pace will need to increase and fast. I can't afford to miss the target or I will lose my PhD, but I don't know if I am capable of eating any more than I am already, especially with my weakened stomach. But will I have the mental strength to give up my heavy-cardio exercise sessions - the hour long spin classes, the circuit training, the cross trainer?

It looks as though, rather than arrive comfortably in time, I am fated to be pushing it right to the wire. It's time to get a move on.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the Bank Holiday!