A milestone at last! (so why can't I be happy?!)

Every time I go to work, I board a tram bound for a place called (rather romantically I think!) as "Halfway". And now I have finally arrived there myself.

I am past halfway towards my target weight for getting back onto my PhD course! And given that I initially spent a lot of time going backwards at first, it becomes even more of an achievement. I am already feeling the benefits: at my last weight-training session, I was able to move up to a heavier weight for three of my exercises and I have been hitting higher speeds on the spin bikes too. Even outside the gym, I generally feel more powerful, more present and more alive.

So it's excellent news! Why then am I not dancing on air? Instead, why has my mood been so wretched for the past few weeks? I don't like to use the word "depression" as I feel this term gets bandied about too easily - there is a real distinction between clinical depression and "feeling a bit down". But when you feel so overwhelmed with sadness that you literally stop dead in the middle of the street and burst into tears, then something is clearly wrong. It embarrasses me when I get upset in front of others (and I thank the three strangers who kindly escorted me home), but I am so tired and drained and worn out all the time that I simply cannot hold it all in any more. Just one of the many, many things 'Anna' has robbed me of is a stiff upper lip!

I've also been having a bit of a body crises. My stomach still gives me grief at times, becoming so bloated and filled with gas that I wish I could take a knife and rip it out of my chest. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it - although perhaps that tin of rice pudding was a bad idea.... I oscillate between getting fired up about the latest natural remedy - probiotics? turmeric? sauerkraut? - and just feeling resigned to being plagued by it for life.

It makes me feel fat, ugly and grossly distorted. Everywhere I go, I see people who are thinner than me and the gym seems to be populated by lithe figures with gazelle legs. Surely all these people weigh less than me?! So why are they able to go to university and do all they want to do and I can't? Surely it can't be true? Is it all in my head? I don't know anymore - I can't tell what's real and what's fiction - what is truth and what is a lie whispered by 'Anna'.

I'm sorry to end on such a miserable note. But I promise a more upbeat post soon, when I will be outlining my challenge for next week. Five whole days away from the gym: instead, I will be in the Lake District for my training walk for the big trek in August. Just hoping I haven't bitten off more than I can chew...

Thanks for reading, enjoy the rest of this week!