For those of you who read this blog regularly (big thank you! ), this may very well be the post that you have been waiting for,
I finally feel ready to change, ready to walk away from anoreixa and into a different life. Ready to let go and trust my body and love it for what it is, or what it is meant to be.
A lot of things have been leading up to this moment. All the people praying and hoping for me, the growing realisation that my choices do affect and hurt others, the internal gathering of everything I have read, every word of advice, every encouragement from all the people who have cared enough to get in touch.... But the crunch point came when I stepped on the scales yesterday morning.
Despite eating 'gargantuan' amounts for the past week, I hadn't gained anything.
In fact, according to my therapist, I had actually lost a little weight. In that moment, my PhD seemed to take a huge step even further away from me and something just snapped. Suddenly, counting calories just didn't seem important any more. But starting to live in a way that doesn't make those I love worry about me did. I don't want this any more. There will be no more weighing, checking food labels, measuring out, fretting. No more attitude of "Dear body you can have this many calories and no more for I must dictate control". I want to eat like I used to do as a child - intuitively, listening and responding to my body's needs. From now on, I will only use my scales when I bake cakes.
Despite eating 'gargantuan' amounts for the past week, I hadn't gained anything.
In fact, according to my therapist, I had actually lost a little weight. In that moment, my PhD seemed to take a huge step even further away from me and something just snapped. Suddenly, counting calories just didn't seem important any more. But starting to live in a way that doesn't make those I love worry about me did. I don't want this any more. There will be no more weighing, checking food labels, measuring out, fretting. No more attitude of "Dear body you can have this many calories and no more for I must dictate control". I want to eat like I used to do as a child - intuitively, listening and responding to my body's needs. From now on, I will only use my scales when I bake cakes.
But of course, for the time being, it is still important for me to monitor my intake, if I am going to reach my target. Which begs the question: why did I lose weight? However, I'm pretty sure I have the answer to this one. All I have lost is water weight. From all the stories of recovery I have come across online, this is to be expected and it is a positive stage in recovery, one which precedes real gains. My distended stomach and bloated legs were not just in my imagination. Even before I weighed myself, I had noticed that I was noticeably leaner.
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| Pushing them out! |
And I love it. I LOVE my new body - I feel so much more powerful and alive. I feel like I have a presence of my own again rather than being just a shadow. I am now addicted to feeling POWERFUL instead of hungry. And I am already feeling the benefits - I used to have to do press ups on my knees, but now I am on my toes. At my weights session this evening, I was able to push out more repetitions on the higher weights. It doesn't take me so long to get home from the tram stop - I pick up my feet instead of dragging them. I am determined that this is only the beginning of better things to come.
But don't get me wrong - it won't be plain sailing. 'Anna' still has a home in my mind, until I can evict her for good and clean up her mess. Meanwhile, I have a deadline to meet and I am not even halfway.
It looks as though it will be a fight to the finish, but at least my body and I are now on the same side.
Thank you for reading! :)
It looks as though it will be a fight to the finish, but at least my body and I are now on the same side.
Thank you for reading! :)
Caroline, I have not read your blog before and i only read today as i saw it on facebook. But i saw your picture too and you look really well. We worked together very briefly in Edale and I just wanted to tell you how happy to read this I am. When i saw you last you were not well and to read now you've reached a turning point, i think its wondeful and i wish you all the best! Good luck and congratulations :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words! I am intrigued to know who you are exactly ( though I have some ideas of possibilities) but I understand if you would rather not say.it means so much though that you remembered me from those days. It was a happy time at Edale for me , but I was still in a bad place ( hence having to go out for a run most days even when it was raining...) . I hope you are happy and doing well, wherever you are!
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