I am nervous. Although I hit my weight target two weeks ago, it has wobbled a little since then; fortunately I managed to pull it back up pretty quickly, but it does show that I can't afford to be complacent. I'm hoping that the things I have done this year will also be taken into account - working as a science technician in a busy college, completing a four-day hike in the Lake District, cutting down on my cardio workouts, making more time for rest, etc. At the end of the day though, the weight is the most important thing.
And then there is the mental side of things. One of the tricky things about recovering from anorexia is that the disease can so easily mutate into something else - another eating disorder, an exercise obsession, a "pure-eating, healthy living" lifestyle, etc. (described brilliantly by this blog post on the phases of recovery - see Level 6). Anoreixa will use anything it can to get back into your head. And I am worried it is happening to me again. This past week, I have been working on a report about the devastating impacts that diets high in meat, dairy and processed foods have on the environment. I can't help but take it personally - if I had any morals, then surely I would reduce my intake of these! Those chocolate bars had palm oil in - I am destroying the Amazon Rainforest! Think of all the plastic packacging I get through on my yoghurts - surely these end up as microparticles that kill seabirds! It is the same with health messages; I worry that the "treats" I enjoy as part of my diet are actually skyrocketing my cholesterol, eradicating my good gut bacteria, setting me up for heart failure, contributing to dementia, and so on and on.
All of this has steadily built up over the past few days to the point that I feel compelled to cut out, or at least cut down on, my sugary treats and snacks. Never mind that, given that I don't eat starchy carbs, these are a major source of calories and that getting rid of them would leave me with mostly fruit and vegetables. No matter that, as a good friend of mine tries to remind me, I am a "special case" with a body that is still under the optimum weight and so would still consider itself "starved". But now I can't put anything in my mouth without worrying. It's just not worth the stress and guilt.
So I am having a little "sugar-detox" at the moment, with the intention of limiting processed foods to occasional treats, rather than an every day indulgence. Although part of me feels virtuos, I am also sad because I don't know whether this is me making the decision, or whether anorexia has slipped in through the back door and settled into my mind again. It's as though every time I come across a diet related message, the anorexia says "Aha! Yes! I can use this to hurt her!" All I know is that it did feel so wonderful to be able to have treats in my diet again, after making them 'off-limits' for so long. Is this a step forward towards heath and happiness, or a step back towards deprivation?
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| Off-limits again? |
Another illustration of just how cunning this disease can be.... I finally realised where my growing preoccupation about my tummy came from. I had never been concerned before with how I appeared to others (only how much I weighed) so I couldn't understand why I felt so envious when I saw girls with toned and sculpted abs at the gym. The feeling that I should be like this came, ironically enough, from the questionnaire I have to fill in every now and then which assesses my current 'anorexic state'. This is a almost never-ending series of statements which I have to give a frequency score for (e.g. never, once a month, every day, etc.) Quite a few of these statements realted to "the desire to have a completely flat stomach". I used to just cross 'never' for these without thinking about it, but on an unconscious level, the diseased part of my mind got the message that this was how I should be thinking. As though the questionnaire was holding up a set of ideals which my anorexic self seized upon.
It is pretty pitiful: I don't know what I want anymore - or at least, I don't know if the things I want come from me, or the demon in me. Which makes it pretty hard to feel good about any of the 'choices' I make.
But it doesn't seem so important right now - I just want to get abck to my PhD. Only once I know the outcome of the meeting, can I begin to challenge anything else.
Thanks for reading.
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