Managing myself...with a little help from my little friends

I'm pleased to say that my bloating/gas problem has been much better lately. I still don't really have a clue why my stomach inflates so much at times - but I can't complain at the moment. It's much more comfortable when I don't feel as though I have been blown up with a bicycle pump, and this has let me relax a bit more.

It seems my saviour - or rather, saviours - are those that work on the very microscopic scale. I was on the verge of going on an elimation diet (no diary, wheat or processed foods) when my parents convinced me to give probiotics a try again. I'm always a bit wary of "health fads": we've all seen those adverts that seem too good to be true ("Raspberry ketones can help you loose a stone in two weeks! Only £50 a bottle"). Yet probiotics have been around for a while now and have some science to back them up. What really convinced me though was my dad giving me a packet of Yakult drinks and a bottle of pills called - rather appropriately - 'Mightidophilus'.

Even after only two days, I felt different: less like a ruminant and more like a human again. Things have improved since then and now I would describe my gassy condition as 'manageable' - still not quite right, and a bit uncomfortable at times, but largely something I can ignore. I do have bad moments though- for instance, either an apple or some almonds triggered a bad reaction the other day. Nevertheless things are much much better than they were! Yesterday I listened to a BBC Radio Four Food Programme special on our gut microbiomes and these have convinced me that we are only just beginning to understand how important our millions of 'little friends' are for our health. It's well worth a listen!

The clue's in the name...

In other areas, I'm not managing myself quite so well. Some calorie-counting rules have sneaked back in, making me restrict my treats and suppers to certain amounts again. It saddens me to see how weak I am to these obsessions but at least I haven't gone back to the stage of weighing out every last raisin.  Meanwhile, in the gym I am just keeping my workouts within a time limit, although this is probably a little longer than it should be, especially for when I go back to start my PhD.

And I have to keep on top of the weight situation as well. If I wobble, I have to correct it straight away - I don't have a safety net. I should clarify that although I hit my target weight on my last doctor's appointment, the final decision for whether I can go back will be made in my big "Review Meeting" in August. This will involve everyone who has a say in my care - my supervisor, GP, mental health therapist, care coordinator, etc. At the very least, I MUST maintain my weight until then. Yet there is part of me that still secretly rejoices if I do lose a little weight, that tells me this is the way to boost my self-esteem. This is the part of me that would have me starve myself to nothing, that whispers that it would be the best outcome if I dwindled to nothing and made myself as small and inoffensive as possible.

But then there is a part of me that loves feeling strong, being able to do press ups in circuits classes and having the energy to power up the hills of this fair city. Sometimes I don't feel so much a person, more a meeting place between a good voice and a bad one. And it is an exhausting place to be sometimes...

Thanks for reading - may you have a good week ahead.

Links:
BBC Radio Four Food Programmes "That Gut Feeling", Part 1 and Part 2.