First though - how did I cope with the conference? In terms of the work, it was very full-on but I just about managed to cover all the sessions and interviews that I wanted to do (for a full round up, see my other blog). As for the food, I set myself some general rules to stop myself from panicking in the face of the onslaught of temptations every day. The breakfast buffet: avoid the pancake bar, pastry stand and the cooked/fried zone and stick to fruit and yoghurt. Lunchtime: Make friends with the catering staff and persuade them to make me a simple salad on the basis of not being able to eat bread/rice/potatoes/etc. Avoid the sleep-inducing warm pudding. Dinnertime: supplement little bits of whatever is on offer with copious amounts of salad bought from a supermarket. So despite the fact that Brighton's most famous culinary offerings are fish and chips, Brighton Rock and ice cream, I actually ended up eating quite well.
But it was unfortunate that everything I ate still had to be "earned" each day through exercise. Even if it meant I only got 5 hours sleep, I still hauled myself out of bed each morning before 6 am to hit the hotel gym. The facilities were very limited, but with treadmills, watt bikes and a range of dumbbells, I had all I needed to work up a sweat. Not to mention the cardio HIIT routines I can do with just my iPad and a bit of floor space.
How unbelievably sad. Here I am, a 25 year old woman attending a conference as a professional writer and instead of just being able to enjoy the experience, I have to make it difficult for myself. Anyone else could say "I'm here to work, so I will focus on that and make sure I get enough rest" but not me. Naturally, it was completely unsustainable and I was exhausted by the end of it all.
Am I going to have this all my life? Will I always be a slave to the fear that I will inure myself and so not be able to work out and then what will I do?! How could I eat??!!
And so the exercise obsession is digging its claws in again. You may remember that not so long ago, I was having two days off each week (Monday and Friday). COMPLETELY off, I didn't even go in the gym! But then I though, maybe I could do a few weights on Monday - it would still be a day off really but it would help me improve faster. Then it became a few weights and a bit of cardio. Then I started to do them on Friday too. And now it is turning into quite a bit of cardio and weights on top...
I can't actually remember the last time I had a day off now.
After all this time, I ought to know better and to be able to nip this in the bud. For one thing - if/when I start my PhD again, I simply won't have time to spend this long in the gym. So I have started to 'clock watch' a bit more closely now - I have to finish within 1 and a half hours (including warm up) as this is the most I could fit in before starting work in the morning. My trouble is that once I add something extra into my routine, it becomes the new "normal", so I feel guilty if I don't do it next time. So workouts get longer and longer and become even more of an emotional challenge to get through.
Each night, before I fall asleep, I wonder what it would be like to be different, to not have these obsessions. Imagine only going to the gym when you felt like it...imagine not going at all!!!
Exercise in itself is good, but I fear it may destroy my hopes to return to my studies. Tomorrow I will effectively find out if I have met my target in time. And if I haven't .... what will I have to show for all those hours in the gym? All those times when I diverted guilt by giving in to the compulsion to work out.... it won't match up to the grief and anger I will feel towards myself.
Fingers crossed.
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