On my way

I didn't know what to expect. My therapist didn't say a word as she noted down the figure on the scales then led me out of the clinic room. I was resigned to the outcome whatever it was; I simply, didn't have any fight left in me to contest it. 

"Well Caroline, you've finally reached the target BMI of 17"

It seemed an age before I could process this. Eventually I managed to speak : "Does this mean I can go back to do my PhD?"

"It looks like it, yes".

I should have been dancing on the ceiling, or completely overcome with relief. Instead I felt numb and flat. Why?! Weren't these the very words I had been waiting since October to hear?

Yes, it IS a monumental relief. I can finally start to look forward to going back to do my own research ( instead of just writing about other people's!) I won't have to leave Sheffield or look for another job. It IS wonderful!

But somehow, I am disappointed. I think I expected more from this year, as though simply having been given all this time to "get better" would automatically bring about some profound changes. Ok, I have put some weight on. But has anything really changed?

1. I have still cut out almost an entire food group from my diet ( starchy carbs) and have no intention of introducing them again

2. I am still unhappy with my body shape, with my 'wide' legs and bloated tummy

3. I still get a lot of gas and wind, which blows my stomach up and makes me even more depressed about my shape. I also still get water retention at times.

4. I am staring to slip back into bad, calorie-counting habits, restricting how much I eat at times so that it doesn't exceed a certain total

5. My exercise compulsion is stronger than ever

This last point is probably the worst. A few months ago, I had such good intentions - two days off a week and a mini- holiday every month. All fallen by the wayside. Each day is miserable until I can get my workout done and then I can focus on other things - until the next day rolls round again.

It seems nothing has really changed in my mind. I feel like a fraud when people say "well done" or call me a strong woman. I feel as though I haven't been strong or courageous enough - I have only done the bare minimum, and not really challenged my demons. 

If I am stuck like this for life, I deserve it. 

But maybe I should just take things one step at a time. For now, this is enough.